English was my mother tongue. It was the language I learnt my ABCs in; the language between my parents; the language I wrote my first diaries in. This despite the fact that as an infant I grew up amongst Iban relatives where English was rarely spoken, and that I was later enrolled in a Chinese vernacular primary school for 6 years. As an occasional visitor to Toastmaster’s club meetings, I saw that most Malaysian speakers struggled the language itself, and was privately relieved that language wouldn’t be my problem.
In my early visits, I was put off by the formality and structure of Toastmaster’s International format. The assignment of roles (they had sergeant-at-arms!), carefully orchestrated handshakes and semi-formal dress codes (though not compulsory) gave the impression of a pompous courtroom proceeding, almost ritualistic and unnecessarily methodised. I didn’t understand the rationale behind these suffocative procedures for a club that operates voluntarily. Shouldn’t it be more casual or free and easy? Why so serious? It didn’t make sense to me but it didn’t deter me from coming back either. Maybe it was the way some participants would hurl themselves into an uncomfortable state of compulsion to overcome their stage fright, there was something incredible, almost cathartic to watch these episodes of bravery set against the vulnerability of an open stage, regardless if it pans out well or not.
It wasn’t long before the club members started to probe for my interest to join as a member. I didn’t think too much of it and registered obligingly. “There was nothing to lose”, I thought. My first speech, per the Toastmaster’s program, was to be an ice-breaker speech, where I simply make a 5 minutes introduction of myself to the club. I thought it a no-brainer and made bare minimum preparations. I had a rough script in hand prepared just days before. I launched into my first Toastmaster’s speech, it was received with typical Toastmasters-like applaud, thunderous and full of encouragement, with a standing ovation thrown in to honour first timers! I felt jubilant, buoyed by the positive feedbacks the evaluator and attendees gave. I wished things kept on going at this feel-good rate, but it wasn’t long before reality bared its fangs at me.
Subsequent speeches came with clear, established objectives such as “Organize your speech” or “Using vocal variety”. Although I did my homework most of the time, I found myself falling short of many objectives or learning goals frequently. And even though post-speech evaluations were often aptly given in relevance and good nature, the implied consensus was that I simply wasn’t trying hard enough.
I would mask an underprepared project speech as “spontaneous”, get hit by some spot-on critical feedback, buck up for the next speech, do relatively well, get complacent, and the cycle repeats. Throughout my journey to completing the Competent Communications track, I did benefit from the camaraderie and guidance that the Toastmasters community built itself on, but I was increasingly infuriated with myself. Why am I not doing as well as expected? Why am I always missing the mark? If it wasn’t the structure of my speech, it’s the lack of depth; if it’s not the error of my stage usage, it’s in my body language. There was always something amiss. I felt the fog over my sense of self-knowledge clearing up, revealing more and more the flaws of how I present myself to the world.
Toastmasters has effectively snuffed out the vain little flame of misplaced confidence I had. My perceived strength in the English language wasn’t an indicator of how well I would fare in public speaking. This was obvious in every Grammarians report after my speech, always sure to point out my embarrassingly voluminous usage of speech crutches. I was tumbling down a world of severe self-scrutiny, not only realising on a personal level that I am a lot of work still, but even worse, to have to experience this truth manifesting itself in a public arena, in the acute, systematic design of the Toastmaster’s program. It was just more salt to the injury.
At some point, I took a long hiatus from my project speeches, simply because I didn’t have it in me to acknowledge the fact that I am nowhere near the newfound standards that Toastmasters have inadvertently instilled in me. I watched as my fellow Toastmasters, even those who started later, hit milestone after milestones with their Toastmasters goals. They had the abandon and gung-ho of a rookie and progressed very quickly, while I struggled with my disempowering sense of self-consciousness, my false pride increasingly pinched and bruised. This could have been the point where I simply quit and walk away before I dissolve into more self-imposed castigation but my ego was somehow intact enough to keep on pushing. I wrestled with self-doubt by simply practising. I practised like I never did before and started gaining a different kind of confidence. The confidence that comes not from one’s inherent abilities or talents, but rather confidence distilled from time and effort expended to craft better speeches and rehearse more. Like a flower bud slowly unfolding itself, the final bloom came when I gave my Project 10 speech, the last of the Competent Communication’s track. It was not perfect, but I was nevertheless proud of the marked shift in attitude and mindset I’ve come to.
Toastmasters have screwed me over by blowing up my false egos. It has humbled me in ways that “normal” life and interactions wouldn’t have enabled. I am grateful for the ways that Toastmasters has truly disrupted my life- the way I speak and listen to others and how I deliver presentations have radically changed. As to whether I was being literal about Toastmasters screwing my life? Well, if we do consider the amount of sleep I’ve lost travelling between club meetings, serving as an ex-committee, and all the anxiety accumulated before my speeches…it might be possible? But it’s all good.
*A project speech is pre-assigned based on the Toastmaster’s program
Joyce Shamini is currently serving her first term in Gamuda Toastmasters as Vice President of Public Relations. Despite what you’ve read, she still slacks a lot and has switched into the game plan of writing through her struggles, failures, and occasionally, success?
